


Take Me Away

by littleartemis



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bullying, College, Long Distance Relationship, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-30
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-08 21:30:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/447768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleartemis/pseuds/littleartemis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With his depression, and anxiety Dean's become detached from almost everyone around him. His step mother is abusive, his father stressed to the point of yelling at him all the time. Sam's off at Stanford. All he has is his internet, and a boy named Castiel Shurley in England.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Will write more for this college AU when I have the time.  
> This was prompted by boazpriestly on tumblr. 'Dean/Cas writers should write something based on what they know.' The events in this fic are based around my own life experiences.  
> Note: The rating is explicit for violent thoughts and sex in later chapters.
> 
> Also: Dean is 22, Sam is 20, Adam is 18. Dean has two cats; Baby and Gizmo.

Fingers combing through his hair, he closed his eyes feeling the tiredness threatening to make him collapse right there at his desk. His step mother shouted at him from across the hall, likely demanding money, or something else inane like making her something to eat. Even if he was supposed to focus on his Computer Information Sciences homework because he was falling behind. No matter how much he ignored her, she kept yelling, making his migraine worse and worse.

Pinching at the bridge of his nose a small part of him hoped she would give up until he heard the distinct sound of his phone buzzing on the desk right next to him. Looking over at it with a small groan he covered his face with one hand, eyes falling closed as the free one picked it up.

One finger swipe across the screen and he pressed it to his ear, waiting for whatever demand she had this time.

“Yes?” Cold. Distant. Obviously irritated. But what did the bitch expect? She had ruined his family. Ran his father into debt, emotionally abused, and used him and his brother. Sam had hightailed it from town as soon as he got the chance, making a run for Stanford leaving Dean behind to deal with both their parents.

With Jane’s moods getting worse and her pushing John even more into the hole…everything was falling on him now.

Really though…Dean did not think he could manage it. He was just twenty two, starting college, and he had his own shit to deal with. Starting medications for his depression, getting into counseling for his anxiety. His therapist, counselor, and his psychiatrist were all pushing for him to get out of the destructive environment. Where John’s yelling at him about being a disappointment sent him spiraling into depressed panic attacks where he had to cling onto something to ground him.

Anything to keep the thoughts of death and suicide at bay.

It did not help that he knew where all of John’s guns, and his hunting knifes were…

He shuddered just to think about every time the thought of just stabbing into his wrist, or pulling the barrel of one gun to his head…

No.

He had something to keep pushing for. Even if it was just a twinkle of light at the end of a never ending dark tunnel. It was something.

“Can you get me a packet of cigarettes? And while you’re at it, some soda and chips for me? I don’t have any money, but I can pay you back later.” Her voice cracked through the receiving end of the phone and he had to hold in a sigh.

The usual. Only she would not be paying him back, his Father would. She never paid him back it was always someone else’s money. After all she did not have a job. She was in too much pain. Just leeching from everyone else around her, doing this big act to make herself look so great, so charitable when she was stealing from those close to her to make herself seem better.

“Yes Mom.” Gritting his teeth he forced a smile, knowing if he told her no she would call his Dad who would beg him to just do what she wanted and let it be over with.

Then he could come back, hop onto his Tumblr and see if Castiel was going to be online. It was going to be another night of cursing timezones and wishing that England was not so far away from where he lived. Wishing that he had enough money to pack it all up and just fly over there. That he could be there now…

But Cas even had his own problems with his Dad sick, and the doctors unsure really of what was wrong with him. With Mr. Shurley weak they had some problems going on that Dean was unable to help with. He was left to just listen when Cas needed to rant, and his friend in turn.

At least when he got home, he could talk with him about the Criminal Minds finale.

Ending the call he let out a drawn out sigh, chewing on his bottom lip as he searched for his glasses. Hoodie, phone, ipod, wallet, reusable bag…everything he would need.

When he stood the cats woke, Gizmo moving to circle his legs, looking up at him with some amount of curiousity. “I’ll feed you and Baby when I get back home.” A small smile played on his lips, bending over to pet the large calico.

Passing the shelf by his bedroom door he grabbed his keys, bus pass and ID before leaving. It would only take him twenty minutes max to walk to the store and back really. Just taking his bus pass with him in case he got sent for anything else. Like a lottery ticket. A small hope in freedom John had picked up. Something to give them both the sense that there might be something else out there better for them.

Door locked, headphones in, he played with the apps on his phone as he walked, smiling faintly when he saw Cas posting online.

iamcalmanditsdoctor: Blaine and Kurt are too cute together. omg

Rolling his eyes he sent a quick reply before jogging across the intersection as the signal beeped for him to cross. ‘Angel With a Shotgun’ blaring in his ears.

stuckinperdition replied to your post:

\- omg Cas? Really?

iamcalmanditsdoctor: I am unsure if you’re making a sarcastic comment on my use of ‘omg’ or agreeing with me…though knowing you it is likely a comment on my use of the anagram.

The corner of his lips twitched as he tried not to grin, typing out his next reply, reblogging the post instead this time.

stuckinperdition: Considering it means ‘oh my god’, naturally I’m surprised. You tell me not to blaspheme all the time. Not to mention; Glee? Really Cas?

Looking up he selected the things his ‘Mom’ would want, moving over to the cash register.

iamcalmanditsdoctor: I could stand for ‘oh my gosh’ as well, Dean. Don’t forget that. Though it does seem a little out of character, doesn’t it? I was merely trying to fit in. Also do not judge me when you’re the one who watches My Little Pony. Really Dean?

Cringing at the use of his favourite children’s show against him, he hoped that no one would notice that his face was almost completely flush.

stuckinperdition: So? At least it’s not some kind of ‘High School Musical’.

…Except for the cute cashier who smiled at him ‘knowingly’ as he gave her a nervous smile setting his things down on the counter before him. Pop, cigarettes, chips…an energy drink, and some chocolate for himself. A night of gaming and homework ahead.

It was as he was leaving for home that he checked again to see Cas’ reply;

iamcalmanditsdoctor: I stand by my point. As well I feel you have no room for judgement with your recent endeavors in reading ‘MSPaintAdventures’. To quote you; really Dean?

He should have seen that coming really…but the quirky style of the webcomic had lured him in. Not to mention he wanted to know what these ‘trolls’ were as the only kind he was familiar with were the mythical kind, the 4chan kind, and…those on World of Warcraft.

stuckinperdition: Hey, Homestuck is cool! …Kinda. I’m still in the earlier acts and it’s hard to get through some of the typing quirks but I like it.

Jogging at the light he raised his hand in thanks to the driver that stopped for him, smiling as they gestured for him to keep going.

iamcalmanditsdoctor: Which makes me point out that I like Glee. The romance between Kurt and Blaine is endearing.

stuckinperdition: You just like the sounds Kurt makes when they start making out.

iamcalmanditsdoctor: …I never denied that point. They are quite arousing when they kiss. Makes me wonder if you would make noises like that if I were to surprise you with a kiss like Blaine did with Kurt.

He almost dropped the bag at the bluntness of that statement, heart beating fast in his chest as he looked around hoping no one saw his near blunder. Rushing home he worked out his reply;

stuckinperdition: Do you have to be so blunt?

iamcalmanditsdoctor: Would you rather I dance about the issue, or avoid it completely? You want me intimately, I want you intimately…I don’t see why we can’t address it. Though perhaps public might not be the best place to discuss it it’s something to be discussed. Maybe when you get home yes? Unfortunately I can’t actually get you to make those kinds of noises right now…at least not tonight. It would be an interesting experiment to try and get you to orgasm just by my voice, or through text.

He was stuck on the middle of his street, staring at his phone this time, face almost completely red. Swallowing hard he jogged the rest of the way home, cursing the other for this. He was supposed to be the one getting Cas sexually frustrated. Not the other way around! Chewing on his bottom lip he worked the door unlocked, shouting up to his Mom that her things were in the kitchen before rushing with his things to his room. Locking himself away so she would leave him alone.

As fast as he could he sent Cas an IM;

Dean: Really Cas?!

Castiel: It served its purpose did it not? You’re home now. Though I meant every word. I will be unable to tonight however as I’ve things to attend to in the morning that require rest. If I remember correctly you have a mathematics final in the morning as well? I’m sure you’ve that to study for. And I bid you good luck with your counselors meeting by the way. I trust you’ve been keeping up with your sleep schedule as promised?

Dean: …well…not really…and ugh don’t remind me about my exam. I feel sick just thinking about it. Don’t even know if I’m going to sleep well enough tonight…

Castiel: Dean did you take another midday nap?

Dean: I was stressed okay? I don’t want to fail another class and have Dad yell at me. Plus Mom, money, all that other shit. Since Sam left most of the household stuff has been left to me. And I keep freakin out cause I’m worried about Sam. I looked out for him most of his live you know?

Castiel: I do know Dean, and I know you fell behind in highschool to watch him. But you have to take care of yourself now. You need to get on to a more normal sleeping pattern. Even if it means going to bed earlier. Make yourself get up in the morning. At least tonight…

Dean: I’ll try Cas…You able to stay on tonight?

Castiel: I’ll sit up with you to watch the finale for Criminal Minds, but then I should sleep. I have to take Father to the Doctor’s in the morning to get him checked.

Smiling faintly at his screen he pulled up livestream and his download of the finale. They spent the next two hours talking about the show, and anything else they could think of. As well as getting excited over Castle.

When Cas logged off Dean busied about his room. Doing anything but studying really. Anything to take his mind off his impending failure even though he knew he was just setting himself up for it. Self fulfilling prophecy as people had told him.

Working himself into a panicked state. Heart racing in his chest, thudding against his ribcage as he held his stomach. Scowling down at the softness. Something that the kids had laughed at him for in highschool. Dumpy Dean. Dumbo Dean. Anything they thought up they would call him. Some of the more common ones about his bad grades, or his weight since he had a little ‘baby’ fat as his Dad called it.

Still had it apparently…

Even called him Deanna, and accused him of being gay (which he was not, he liked girls just fine. But apparently liking both was a death sentence). Shoved him around. Threw things at him.

Tears formed in his eyes just thinking about it, pushing his shirt down to hide the scars. If he ever did meet Cas would he really even want him…? Cas had not seen him bare below the neck yet…he knew Dean had scars but…he had not seen them. Would he really still want him?

Wiping at his eyes he changed his clothes, grabbing his cellphone before crawling into bed. It was two hours before midnight but he did not care.

…He began to care five hours later though when he still could not sleep. His mind racing with everything and nothing. School, friends, life, fantasies of what he would like to happen but never will. Anything. The thought of love, and school sending him into a mild panic that had him wiping at his eyes again. Trying desperately to calm himself. Even if it was in vain.

In the end, he went into the test with no sleep.


	2. What Doesn't Kill You...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: suicidal thoughts, self harm, discussion of depression, and anxiety.

The days passed as the weather grew colder. He joked with Castiel some days when he was heading off to school about the snow. The streets covered with white powder, and ice piled so high it was hard to trudge through, let alone make it to the end of his street to the bus stop. It was part of his morning routine of grabbing his bag and heading out to catch the bus to the local University. His Dad would be off at the shop and his step Mom too busy moaning about her own pain to take him to school.

It was fine by him though, part of his deposit did pay for a bus pass and he knew the route to and from it well enough that he could manage on his own. With his cellphone and iPod he had to deal with little to no harassment, just the occasional stranger trying to prompt a conversation which Dean awkwardly returned. Nothing new really.

Days like these he was thankful for the 3G on his phone making it so he and Castiel could talk as he went from home to school. He would even use the schools wifi to talk with him. It distracted him from the lesson but...the other boy was one of the few distractions he had really. The only pleasant thing he had going for him. Especially with Sam engrossed in working to get his History diploma, and Sam’s grades came before everything.

They had fought over his choice of a major but Sam reminded him that he was aiming for a major in the fine arts and it shut Dean up faster than anything ever had before. Especially remembering the news of how his path was one of the ones with the least returns. But he loved art. He loved writing, and drawing...it was one of the few things he was passionate about.

Well aside from playing video games. Since he got his PS2 he had been attached to it. Then his Undead Warrior on World of Warcraft. Some might call it silly but...it helped keep him level and keep the depression at bay. At least for a while. Engross himself in a world where he was blasting through enemies as a great warrior of the horde. Just for a short while he was not the twenty two year old still living with his parents.

Pushing his glasses up his nose he looked down the road for any sign of the bus. The plastic lenses were beginning to fog as he tried to keep himself minimally warm in the cold morning breeze. The roads were thick with ice and snow, it was hard enough for him just to make it this far, even harder to try and keep from freezing. His hat, scarf, gloves and other clothes only did so much. Even still he was shaking in his rain boots, mentally urging the bus to come sooner so he could continue the long ride to his school. Thirty to forty minutes depending on the busses.

A long ride when you consider by car is only fifteen but he had no one to drive him. With no money and his fear of collisions he forgoed getting his own license. So here Dean Ross Winchester was, waiting to be taken to the exchange, transfer to the next, and then to the school.

The cold bit at his bones, his backpack hanging heavy on his back and making it ache. It did not help that his bones ached enough already, the freezing air making his arthritis act up causing him to be in almost constant pain. He did not complain though...never did. Even when his back felt like it was being crushed and his knees felt like they were being crushed by a hammer he did not complain. Kept trudging along and worked as best he could.

On nights when it was bad enough he would just sit in front of his computer and cry through the pain coupled with his depression, and anxiety. Try to ignore his step-Mother’s insistence that he find a ‘nice girl’ and settle down. All the babying because of his ‘disabilities’. He did not like to think of it like that. Despite his bad sight he could still see. Despite his arthritis he could still walk. Despite his bad back he could sit and stand fine.

Most of all; despite his anxiety he could keep going out and dealing with life.

He was hindered, that was it. He would keep walking even if it killed him.

Dean would not become a burden...not like his step-Mother had become, sucking those who loved her dry. It was why despite the pain he went out to walk to the store all the time, or to the bank. Took the bus in the freezing cold. Took some fighting just to get himself a damn jacket so he would not have to worry too much about freezing to death waiting for the bus. Especially as they were unreliable around here, coming too early, too late, or even not at all sometimes. It was irritating enough to be waiting outside his school for minutes to an hour sometimes just for a bus to come. One time a bus proved to be so late it came after the next that was supposed to arrive.

At which point he should have just stayed in the library and studied. Yet while the idea was always tempting he did not like to be surrounded by strangers even if they were of his own age. Strangers who would not spare him the slightest of glances too busy for him. Which was okay with him really Dean did not know how to socialize even if it killed him. Speaking to anyone new generally sent him into a nervous panic, and that did not even cover speaking in front of a class…

He would rather be on tumblr honestly. Fanboying with his friends over Castle, or Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic. Anything other than forced interaction with other human beings who did not really want to give him the time of day.

There was the added fact that Sam, or Cas were usually on around this time too. His brother usually gushing over the heroine of the cop drama, while Cas himself preferred Rick like Dean did. Match made in heaven though Dean would not admit it to himself or Cas. Rejection was a bitch and he did not want to ruin what they had.

Cas was his best friend after all. Yeah he had feelings for the guy, Sam even knew it and teased him about it. Even came up with a ship name for them that he claimed to be captain of – Destiel.

Naturally being the loving big brother he was Dean countered with one for Sam and his boyfriend Gabriel – Sabriel. His reaction was predictable enough blushing cherry red before hiding under the blanket on his bed and cursing him. All happening over video chat as Sam was too far away for it to happen in person. Over in one of the better schools, one he had chosen himself saying it was better for what he wanted to take.

He did not mind for the most part, just left him feeling a little lonely. Sam was at school, Adam was never home usually at work or with a friend. When he was home he stuck to his room avoiding their step-mother as much as Dean did. All three brother’s had perfected the art of avoidance though the younger ones were better at it than he was.

Sam preferred to not talk with her after the debacle last time he was home. He had come out as asexual and being with the guy he had been friends with since high school to their parents - something their step-mother could not accept.

Adam was the ‘baby’ - though he did not like it. Taken in after his Mother died, he was their half sibling from a period their Dad preferred to not talk about. Dean did not blame him really…he did not like to think about it either. The fire that consumed their home and Mary was a topic everyone tiptoed around. A sore spot their step-mother liked to poke at with one of her long sharp fingernails.

Nails that were more like claws that she used to dig into your skin, and rip out your still beating heart. An analogy that his Father had not questioned him using before. At times, when John was really stressed, he would even agree. Could tell times were tough enough when the man did not even scold Dean for commenting about dreaming about killing his step-mother by pushing her down a flight of eighteen stairs and blaming it on the dogs - after all...the stairs to the basement had no door, or blockade to keep people from falling. It was easy enough for their two large labs to knock someone down.

Because of her the house was like a warzone now with all of them against the woman who they felt ruined their lives, though their Father played nice. Had to, who would believe him anyway? That a crippled woman was abusing her family, and sucking him dry of everything? Money, life, Dean swore the reason he was sick so often was because of the stress she put him though.

Stress that was wearing off on Dean, and often driving John to yell at his eldest for the slightest things. Though in part it was also because he did not understand what was wrong with his son.

Did not know how Dean would tear at his toenails when the anxiety got too high, peel scabs off wounds, chew the skin from his feet and fingers until they were bleeding. Obsess over the acne on his body and around his fat belly until it bled. He had scars all over from picking at scabs, not letting them heal.

He was harming himself but even if he mentioned it, no one would believe him...

Honestly, he would love more than anything to just find a job and move. Find someplace to be away from all the stress. A roommate who was nice, work that was easy enough to do with all his issues, someplace to just get away and take some stress from his Dad. Unfortunately with his anxiety, arthritis, depression, and the economy...it made it hard. The simplest of jobs all required experience he did not have. He applied, and applied, but all he could do was sit at home and stress over failing grades, friendships, and his own deteriorating mental health.

It took everything in him to not just pick up one of the nice carving knives downstairs an end it all...

Hell, he could grab his step-mother’s pill pack and just down a cocktail of them. Maybe all of her sleeping pills? Never wake up gain.

Overdosing on anti-anxiety medications would not work, he knew that. The last time had been an accident, five pills and he was vomiting everything. The bathroom smelt like strawberries after that. The only thing he really regretted was vomiting up the strawberries.

All he could do was keep puttering along and hope for the best. Hope he could find work and visit Sam...hope for anything.

Like maybe one day Cas would return his affections. They both already joked about doing ‘things’ when they met in person which would happen one day.

One day...

It was those two words he clung to at the darkest times. Focusing on Sam, and Cas. How they would miss him...how much he loved them. Gabe threatening black magic to bring him back (how much of that would work, he did not know...but he did not doubt Gabriel would and could pull it off). Jess seemed intent on keeping him around too.

So while those at home were not there for him anymore...he had his few online contacts alive he guessed.

The long day had passed, at some point Cas had to go deal with things leaving Dean alone to either work on this Math or stare at pretty pictures online (usually the latter but Sam would hit him for admitting it). Then came art history, and Dean would not admit that he almost fell asleep in the middle of it - hey he had his cellphone recording and with everything going on he was having a hard time sleeping.

He just kept passing through the day until it was time to take the bus home. Dad preferred to pick him up, or have Adam do that, but John was working late and Dean hated how Adam sped. Would not take him long to get back on his own anyway.

Predictably he got back fine, hanging up his bags and telling John - having arrived home a little before Dean - he would come down for dinner in a minute. He spoke quietly with him about school, the state of the house, finances, and his step-mother before taking his macaroni back up to his room to sit online for a while before bed.

After bundling himself with something warm, huddled in his blankets in his room he looked over his computer with quiet contemplation. Likelihood was that Cas was in bed...school tomorrow after all. Sam would probably still be on, but did he want to bother him while he was supposed to be studying or doing homework?

Setting himself as online he just sat and waited, warming his hands up with his mug of tea (spiced chai, with milk and sugar naturally).

That was when the little 1 popped up on skype, the icon bouncing on the dock, signalling who (predictably) was sending him a message.

CASKETT says: The cards lost.

The Cardinals. Only sports team Sam could give a rats ass about. Naturally he’s going to be upset. Smiling to himself he could not help but give a ‘smart’ reply back.

Turiel says: Caskett’s still canon.

With that said he tabbed out, checking his tumblr (no messages, nothing in his tag...Cas was busy with school...the usual really. Alastair had posted some more pictures of his cats though). Scrolled mindlessly, queued some things, sat bored until Sam replied again;

CASKETT says: …

Turiel says: How to cheer you up with four words?

CASKETT says: More like how to crack me up with four words.

Turiel says: Right. Cards.

Laughing to himself he tabbed out again, trying to find something to distract himself from his failing life with. On one end Ruby was sending him messages about her family, another some other online friends talking to him. He sent a few out to some friends he cared about (most of them being ones from tumblr). Stared longingly at the little nicknamed ones on his MSN list. Jo and Bela...He had not seen them in a long time. Well a few weeks, but when you are by yourself all the time, it gets hard to keep track...

Skype pinged up again - more like a wooshing noise really - the little icon bouncing at the bottom of his screen;

CASKETT says: Can we talk about rysposito or something to get my mind off it? Moreid maybe?

Turiel says: could talk about our AU verse?

CASKETT says: Yes, perfect.

Turiel says: well I was thinking...

Somehow that got them going until midnight when Sam went to bed (‘I have to see the psych in the morning’) and with him being two hours ahead Dean did not complain. He just looked over at his bed where Baby and Gizmo were resting and let out a low sigh. Reaching over he stroked the head of the black cat who purred contentedly at the attention, stretching out on the green blanket.

“If only my life was as easy as yours...don’t have to worry about food, or water...can take a piss wherever I want...” he scowled a little at that, the incident just last week of her taking one on his pants (which had been laid on his bed) still fresh in his mind.

With a sigh he moved to take the various things he did not need off his bed, setting his backpack out of reach of the cats so they would not tear it apart. The laptop stayed nearby just in case he needed it - fanfiction ideas came at weird times after all. Cell phone in hand he laid down, trying to ignore the inkling thoughts in his mind of how easy it would be to just give up, and how many people had already given up on him.

Better to focus on sudoku than think about that...

Even still his mind wandered and he was left with another two AM night of crying himself to sleep. His mind solely focused on how he was failing with everything and no one would ever want him. No job, doing bad in classes, no friends...what was he going to do if John ever died? It was going to happen eventually - later rather than sooner Dean hoped. The old man’s health was deteriorating though, and with his step-mother’s abuses and refusing to let him rest...John might die sooner than Dean wanted him to.

When it came down to that...Dean would and did have no one. No one outside the internet at least...It was just him. Lonely little Dean. His friends ditched him basically - why else would they be hanging out on his end of town knowing he was around and had nothing else to do?

Pulling Baby into his arms he shuddered. If it came down to it, Dean did not know if he could live on...he tried to live for Sam. For Cas, and everyone else who he loved, but he could only fight so much. In the end, he might just need to say good-bye to it all...

Curling in on himself he released the cat and pulled the blankets tight around himself taking deep breaths as he tried to quiet the sobs that he could not stop. The tears that kept falling.


End file.
